True Story
by Phosphorescent
Summary: Ted doesn't know as much as he thinks he does. Or, how Barney and Robin really met. Tag to 3x05: "How I Met Everyone Else." Semi-AU, but still canon-compliant.


_Disclaimer: I don't own HIMYM.**  
**_

_Tag to 3x05: "How I Met Everyone Else" and 1x01: "Pilot."  
_

* * *

**_the year 2007_**

"So, we know how Marshall and Lily met," Ted's latest girlfriend said, smiling, "Robin, how did you and Barney meet?"

Barney and Robin turned to look at each other.

_Should we tell them?_ Barney telepathically asked Robin.

Robin shook her head frantically and stuttered, "Ah – no." She burst into nervous giggles. "No. No no no no. No. No no no. _No_. No no. No, Barney and I are _not_ together. No… No."

Stupid nervous tick.

"_Really_?" Barney said. "Sixteen no's? Really?" He silently telegraphed the words, _Could you have been more obvious, Robin? Seriously, you _suck_ at lying._

_Sorry_, Robin replied silently, minutely tilting her head in acknowledgment. _She caught me off-guard, OK?_

"So, you're single," Brunette Girlfriend said.

Smiling in relief at the change of topic, Robin said, "Yeah."

"Oh. So pretty, and single… and friends with Ted," the girlfriend said, shrugging, her smile taking on a dangerous edge. She let out a strangled sounding laugh, teeth half-bared, as she added, "_Great_."

Crap. Out of the frying pan and into the… OK, never mind, this was still preferable to the alternative.

Robin exchanged a perturbed glance with Ted. Maybe Barney's Crazy-Hot theory wasn't so kooky after all…

"You know who _else_ is friends with Ted? Marshall," Ted said in a panicked rush, gesturing to their tall friend. "How did we meet? It was a good story. I'm gonna tell it. Right now."

And then he launched into the tale. Having already heard it, Robin let her mind drift back to how she and Barney _really_ met…

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

**_the year 2004_**

Robin had just moved to New York a few weeks ago. On the plus side, she was away from her family and from the people who knew her past; she had escaped the dark shadow of Robin Sparkles. And New York City was a pretty cool place (so far). On the minus side, her current job sucked. Majorly. At Metro One News, she reported on important events like 'local monkey plays ukulele.' Still, it was a paying job. She just needed to prove herself to the station and they'd start giving her real stories, Robin was sure of it. (Hopefully those real stories would come her way sooner rather than later, though.)

Striding down the dark alley on her way back to her apartment, Robin allowed herself to daydream about taking off her heels and relaxing in front of the TV with a glass or two of something strong enough to wipe out her horrendous day. Stupid vomiting, ukulele-playing monkey.

She was halfway back to her apartment when she heard a high-pitched squeal.

"Please don't hurt me!" the voice cried.

Robin pulled a mini-revolver out of her purse and took off the safety. This was just what she needed to make her day a bit better… the chance to scare the shit out of some piece of shit.

Stealthily sneaking around the corner, she saw a blonde-haired businessman being held up by a heavily-muscled guy with a knife.

"Where's the dough, pretty boy?" the thug growled.

"Look," the businessman stammered, "I don't carry much cash on me, OK? Just singles for the strippers. Heh. I use credit for everything else, you know?"

"All I know is that you're lying," the thug hissed. "Wanna know what I do to liars?" He stepped closer to the businessman with the sharp knife.

Robin had seen enough.

"Hey, you!" she yelled, stepping out of the shadows, gun held high. "Step away from that dude and maybe I'll let you live."

"Psssh," the thug snorted. "Yeah right. You don't even know how to use that thing."

"Maybe I don't," Robin said coolly, raising an eyebrow, "maybe I do. Or maybe I've been shooting since I was six years old. Either way, do you really want to risk it? You only have a knife; throw it at me, and you lose your weapon. I have a gun; fire it, and I still have bullets left. It's up to you, buster."

The thug hesitated, attention divided between her and the businessman.

"Fine," he grumbled finally, slinking off. "I got better things to do. Kid doesn't have any money, anyways."

The businessman watched the thug retreat, eyes wide in a too-pale face. When the thug had left their line of vision, he shook his fist and called, "Yeah, you _better_ run!"

Robin shook her head in amusement.

"Hey, you OK?" she asked, approaching the man.

Smoothing his suit lapels, the businessman answered, "Uh, yeah. I'm fine. Thanks for the save, but I could have handled him. I was just pretending to be helpless so I could get the guy where I wanted him."

"Right," Robin snorted skeptically.

"Hey, it's true," the businessman insisted. "Which reminds me, the name's Stinson. Barney Stinson."

He stepped forward and proffered a hand.

"Robin," Robin replied, giving the man's hand a firm shake.

"Well, _Robin_," the man – Barney – said smoothly, "what brings a pretty lady like you to a seedy corner like this?"

"A girlish scream for help?" Robin said, putting the safety back on her gun and slipping it into her purse.

"Ah. Hahaha, very funny," Barney said. "Still, I don't suppose I could offer my savior a drink in repayment?"

Robin hesitated. She barely knew this man.

"Where were you thinking?" she asked cautiously.

"My place," he said, smiling.

Robin wavered.

Oh, what the hell. He was surprisingly hot and she'd had a hell of a day. Besides, it was painfully obvious that she could overpower this guy any day of the week without a problem.

"Sure," Robin replied.

"Awesome!" Barney said enthusiastically. "Let me hail us a taxi."

_-– -–- –-_

**_1 hour later_**

"Wow, this is some _good_ brandy," a slightly-intoxicated Robin said.

Pouring her another glass, Barney replied, "I only drink the best."

"So, is this gonna happen or what?" Robin asked after throwing back the refilled glass.

"Wh… excuse me?" Barney asked.

"Well, you brought me back here to get me drunk and sleep with me, right?" Robin asked, exhaustion and the alcohol combining to make her even blunter than usual.

"I am _offended_ that you believe that of me," Barney said, stiffly adjusting his tie. "Offended, I tell you!" He stopped and grinned wickedly. "But yeah, that was the plan."

"Oh good," Robin said silkily, sliding over towards him. "Because mama wants her some _sausage_."

She reached up and pulled him into a deep kiss.

A couple of minutes later, they stumbled to the bedroom.

_-– -–- –-_

**_the next morning_**

Robin awoke with a pleasant ache between her still-sticky thighs and mild chafing on her wrists and ankles.

Glancing around, she remembered what had transpired the night before.

She quietly slipped out of the bed and pulled her wrinkled clothes back on. A quick search in her purse yielded a sticky note and a pen, which she used to jot a quick note.

_Barney-_

_Last night was great, but I have work bright and early today. Thanks for everything! _

_- Robin_

_P.S. Try to stay out of dark alleys, will you? There won't always be a knight in shining armor waiting around the corner to save you._

She affixed the note to his bedside table, then slipped out the door and caught a cab back to her apartment. If she didn't get changed before she went to work, there'd be problems.

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

**_the year 2007_**

She tuned back into the conversation just in time to hear Marshall conclude, "I didn't realize Ted wasn't the Dean until later that night."

"College," Robin chimed in, shaking her head in fond remembrance, "good times."

Then the whole thing went downhill again.

"Oh, I get it, Ted told you I didn't go to college, so now you're giving me a cute little back-handed slap," Brunette Girlfriend said, smile more forced than ever.

Barney, of course, wasn't exactly pouring oil on troubled waters.

"Oh, here we go!" he enthused, clapping his hands together.

And from there, the conversation grew increasingly more awkward until Brunette Girlfriend stalked away from the table and Ted hurried after her.

"Well, we're closing in on the half," Barney said cheerfully. "Let's see how what's-her-name is doing on the Crazy-Hot scale. She started the night here, but, as the night's progressed, she's gotten crazier but no hotter, which has caused her to drift across the Mendoza diagonal and dangerously close to the Shelley Gallesby Zone."

Robin shot him a questioning look, to which he responded, "Another girl I dated. She gained twenty pounds and tried to kill me with a brick."

Robin nodded in understanding. Barney really did have horrendous luck.

"Wow," Lily said. "You really have no standards when it comes to women, do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous, of course I have standards!" Barney huffed indignantly. "I don't sleep with fatties, uggos, or women over thirty. Unless it's for charity."

Robin rolled her eyes and reached for the bowl of peanuts on the table.

"Seriously. I have standards. Robin, back me up!" Barney said.

Robin continued to absent-mindedly munch on the peanuts.

"Robin!" Barney whined.

"Fine," Robin sighed. "Barney, you have standards. Lily, what you have to remember is that Barney's standards aren't like other people's standards. He doesn't care whether the women he sleeps with are intelligent or morally decent, he just wants a good lay."

"Exactly!" Barney said.

Lily shook her head in obvious disgust.

"Honey, you have to accept that Barney will be Barney," Marshall told her, rubbing her back soothingly. "He's like a force of nature or something."

"I like it," Barney said grandly. "Barney Stinson, Force of Nature."

"Yeah, like a natural disaster," Lily scoffed. "And speaking of disasters, I wonder what's taking Ted and Crazy Bitch so long."

"'Crazy Bitch'," Barney murmured. "It's oddly fitting."

"C'mon guys," Robin said reluctantly, "Ted really likes this girl… for some reason. So we should try to get along with her for his sake."

"Yeah," Marshall agreed. "But you have to admit, Robin, she _is_ crazy."

"And a bitch," Lily chimed in.

"OK, so maybe she's a little bit… yeah, never mind. She's a crazy bitch," Robin conceded.

"They're coming, they're coming!" Barney hissed.

Everyone quickly arranged their faces into expressions of innocence just as Ted and Crazy Bitch returned to the booth.

"So, Lily," Crazy Bitch said, sliding into her chair, "how did you and Ted meet? C'mon, Lily, the _real_ story."

"I don't think anyone wants to hear _that_ story," Ted said in such a way that everyone immediately _did_ want to hear it.

"Oh, don't be embarrassed, Ted, it was a _long_ time ago," Lily said, causing Ted's eyes to bug out.

Then Lily related a story that involved Ted blubbering to his ex-girlfriend over the phone. Yeah, Robin could see why he might not want that story to become public knowledge.

But Ted's reaction was one of relief, which made no sense whatsoever.

"That's not the story," Crazy Bitch scoffed. "Ted, tell 'em."

"Tell us what?" Marshall asked bemusedly.

"Um, Lily, will you help us get the next round?" Ted asked quickly.

"…Sure," Lily said, rising to her feet and following Ted and Crazy Bitch over to the bar.

"Wonder what all of that was about," Robin said.

"I doubt it's anything important," Marshall said with a nervous smile.

"_Maybe_…" Barney said. "Or maybe it's something scandalous!"

"Scandalous?" Robin snorted. "Is Ted capable of doing _anything_ that's scandalous?"

Barney snorted with approving laughter and gave her a high five.

"How much fun is this?" Barney continued, swirling the beer in his glass around. "All of us reminiscing about how we met me."

Robin smiled in fond amusement. Oh, Barney. So self-absorbed.

"Robin," Barney said suddenly, nudging her, "have I told you how I met Marshall?"

"Uh, yeah, like five or six times –" she began, only to be cut off by Barney.

"– it was right over there…" he said, beginning the oft-told tale.

And with that, Robin tuned out again, this time mentally drifting back to the second time she'd met Barney.

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

**_the year 2005_**

Robin had been in New York for over a year. She had been at Metro News One for over a year. Robin had been doing fluff pieces for Metro News One for _over a year_. (She was really getting sick of those things.)

But tonight she wasn't going to think about that.

No, tonight she was going out for drinks with her friends to cheer up Lisa, who'd recently been dumped.

Oh, Lisa. Bitter, self-destructive, if-I-don't-have-a-man,-I'm-nothing Lisa. Lisa, who made _Robin's_ take on relationships look healthy.

As per Jennifer's instructions, Robin met the group at a small bar called McLaren's. Clean and well-lit, it had a homey atmosphere.

She was at the bar to get a refill (to get her through what looked to be a long night) when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Hi, haaaave you met Ted?" a vaguely familiar-sounding voice asked.

She turned around and glanced briefly at the attractive departing man.

Hadn't she seen him somewhere before? Eh, she was probably just imagining it.

Instead, she turned her attention to a cute, if slightly awkward-looking guy.

"Hi," he said, waving bashfully.

"Let me guess…" Robin said, smiling, "Ted."

He bobbed his head in acknowledgement and spread out his hands as if to say 'you caught me.'

And she promptly forgot about the man who'd introduced them.

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

**_the year 2007_**

"And then Barney gasped, 'That man is a _god_,'" Ted finished, grinning.

"For like a week after, Barney followed me around asking me to teach _him_ how to live," Marshall chortled. "I even got him to do my laundry once."

Robin laughed. Now _that_ was a part of the story that she hadn't heard before.

"I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing," Barney said defensively.

Suddenly Lily, Ted, and Crazy Bitch reappeared at the booth.

"Marshall, I need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere in private?" Lily said agitatedly, wringing her hands.

"Yeah, of course," Marshall said. "What's wrong?"

"Lily and Ted made out," Crazy Bitch told him quickly, before adding spitefully, "What do you think of that, _Robin_?"

What the hell was this woman's problem?

It shortly transpired that Ted and Lily _hadn't_ made out; their memories of a freshman orientation party were just hazy. Fortunately, Marshall was able to name their real make-out partners (Alexa Lezki and Colin O'Reilly), or the night would have gotten considerably more awkward.

After Crazy Bitch proved herself to be even crazier and bitchier than anyone had suspected, she stormed out of the bar.

She had provided one useful nugget of information before she left, however: apparently she and Ted had met online playing _World of Warcraft_.

Oh, they were going to have so much fun with this information, Robin mused as she snickered along with the group. It was payback time for all of those Robin Sparkles jokes.

"Hey, so two _World of Warcrafters_ walk into a bar," Barney began, smirking. "And one says to the bartender…"

-– -–- –-

**_an hour later_**

Gradually the group trickled out of the bar. Marshall and Lily were the first to leave; they made excuses about being sleepy, but everyone else knew that after telling their 'how we met' story, the couple was always especially horny. Ted stayed a bit longer, but soon he retired for the night too, claiming that he wanted to go over his most recent building plans before work the next day; the sad thing was that Robin actually believed him. Ted was a great guy, but he was… well, such a _Ted_.

Only Barney remained to keep Robin company.

"So… you ever tell him the truth about us?" Barney asked, sliding back into the booth next to her with a fresh glass of whiskey.

"_Please_. Did you?" Robin asked innocently, taking a sip of her scotch.

_"Please,"_ Barney retorted.

The two exchanged conspiratorial grins and clinked glasses.

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

**_the year 2005, two weeks after The Purple Giraffe Incident_**

Barney and Robin were the last two of the group still at McLaren's; Robin, because she'd doubled-back after forgetting her purse there, and Barney, because he'd stayed behind to hit on more women.

"Hey, Sherbatsky!" Barney proclaimed, strolling up to her.

"Hi, Barney," Robin said. "Have you seen my purse?"

"What, this thing?" Barney asked, pulling it out of his suit jacket.

"What… how did you even fit it in there?" Robin stuttered.

"I get that a lot," Barney replied with a smirk. "And while a magician never reveals his secrets, I'm willing to let you try to persuade me… want a demonstration?"

He waggled his eyebrows cheerfully.

"You're disgusting," Robin said, rolling her eyes and snatching the purse out of his hand.

Something was niggling at her memory, though.

"This is going to sound weird," she began slowly, "but did we meet before last month? You look oddly familiar. And no, that _isn't_ a pick-up line."

Barney mimed being struck through the heart.

"You don't remember our evening of passionate love-making?" he asked with a fake sniff.

"Seriously," Robin began exasperatedly, only to be cut off by him.

"I _am_ being serious," Barney said. "Granted, it was more like life-affirming fucking than passionate love-making, but I think I'm a bit offended – nay, _affronted_ – that you don't remember it. It would have been… a year ago or so? We met in an alley and bonded over our mutual distaste for muggers?"

Robin's eyes widened.

"That was you?" she said. "_You're_ 'girly-screaming man'? No _wonder_ you look familiar."

"Excuse me?" Barney said. "I do _not_ have a girly scream and I had everything under control, thank-you-very-much."

"Sure you did," Robin said with her trademark smirk.

They stood there in silence for a minute.

"Drink?" Barney asked her, offering her his glass of whiskey.

"No thanks," Robin said. "It's probably not a good idea for me to drink before walking home at night."

Barney shrugged in casual acquiescence. A few seconds later, he said, "Sooo…"

"So…?" Robin asked, raising an eyebrow and leaning against the counter.

"You kissed Ted," Barney said. "You _liked_ Ted."

Robin nodded and replied, "Yep."

"Ted," he repeated.

"Ted," Robin confirmed.

"_Ted._"

"Ted."

"Ted?"

"Ted."

"Dear god in heaven, _why_?" Barney asked. "Ted's a decent guy, but you know you could pull someone hotter, richer, _and_ taller, Sherbatsky."

"Like you?" Robin snorted. "Thanks but no thanks. I like being treated with respect in a relationship."

"Hey, _I_ wasn't the one who snuck out with a one-line note the morning after," Barney retorted. "If anyone here should be offended, it's me."

"And yet you aren't," Robin pointed out.

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander," Barney said with a small shrug. "No judgments here. But you shouldn't judge me on our one-night stand… a hook-up that _you_ initiated, by the way."

"As you said, it was a one-night stand," Robin said with a shrug. "_One_-night. And I'm not judging you on that, I'm judging you on what I've seen since then."

For a split-second, Robin thought she saw hurt cross Barney's features, but it was gone within the space of a blink. It must have been a trick of the light.

"As we've established, it was just a meaningless, thank-god-we're-still-alive one-night stand," Barney said. "No hard feelings, right?"

Robin nodded in agreement, and said, "No hard feelings."

She was tucking her purse under one arm, when a thought suddenly hit her, causing her to freeze in her tracks.

"Uh… seeing as it was an utterly meaningless one-night stand, there's really no need to mention it to Ted, is there?" Robin asked a tad nervously. "It would just make things awkward."

"Mention what, Sherbatsky?" Barney asked with an only-slightly-obnoxious wink.

Robin let out a small breath of relief and said, "You know, sometimes you're not half-bad, Stinson."

"I'm never bad," he retorted. "Well, not unless you want me to be. I'm 100 percent awesome, Sherbatsky. Stick around long enough, and I'll prove it to you."

Robin smiled against her will and replied, "I look forward to it."

And with those words, she exited McLarens.

And although she'd never admit to it, she put an extra sway in her hips as she left, knowing that Barney was staring at her ass.

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

**_the year 2007_**

"I'm telling you, Ted's getting more desperate by the day," Barney scoffed. "Meeting women through _World of Warcraft_? _Please_."

"It _is_ pretty ridiculous," Robin agreed. "But hey, Ted's a big boy. He can make his own mistakes."

She swilled down the last few drops of her scotch and soda, then said, "And on that note, I really need to get home. I'm supposed to be up and on the air early tomorrow morning."

"Another guitar-playing chimp?" Barney asked, smirking.

"It was a ukulele-playing monkey," Robin corrected with a groan. Letting out a sigh, she added, "And I don't know yet. Something to look forward to, I suppose. Goodnight, Barney. Happy bimbo hunting."

He saluted her solemnly as she got to her feet.

"Your well-wishes have been duly recorded, madam," he said.

Robin shook her head, repeated her "Goodnight," and strolled out of the bar.

-– -–- –-

Sometimes Robin wondered how Ted would react if he knew that she and Barney had a history. (She had a bad feeling that he'd feel irrationally betrayed and freak out.) Then again, maybe she wasn't giving him enough credit.

In the end, though, she always concluded that it was probably a good thing that no one in their group of friends knew the real story of how she and Barney had first met.

Things were… better this way. Simpler.

And with this thought, Robin clicked off her bedside lamp and crawled into bed. Tomorrow would come soon enough and she was going to need as her sleep in order to deal with whatever Metro News One threw at her.

She just hoped it wasn't going to be another vomiting, musically-inclined primate…

* * *

_A/N: And now it is time for the Barney Stinson Public Service Announcement:  
_

_Imaginary!Barney: "Hi, everyone out there. This is that time of year when we remember the importance of giving: of giving food, shelter, and - most importantly - booty."  
_

_Imaginary!Ted: "Uh, Barney... it's isn't Christmastime; it's_ June."_  
_

_Imaginary!Barney: *ignores Ted* "Why not give to someone in need today?"  
_

_Imaginary!Ted: "And I'm pretty sure booty doesn't count as charity..."  
_

_Imaginary!Robin: "Of course it does. And so does reviewing!"  
_

_Imaginary!Barney: "So take a moment out of your day or night to remember the less fortunate, and remember:_ giving_ is the true gift. I'm Barney Stinson, and remember this as well: giving is only as 'hard' as you make it."  
_

_Imaginary!Robin: "And I'm Robin Sherbatsky. Happy holidays from all of us at fake!HIMYM!"  
_

_Imaginary!Ted: "... it's_ June_, guys._"_  
_


End file.
